I'm still alive, trying new meds since around March... they are not working really well either though.

Still meeting new interesting people on IRC, but not in real life.

Still waiting for changes in one or two aspects of my life (you know what I mean...).

I hate my life

Ok, now I am really deeply depressed... my job is killing me I think...

I had a horrible meeting with my professor about the results from a trip to Paris last week (which was a bit depressing too, because it made me feel SOO LONELY!).

My professor and another colleague just bashed how I couldn't remember names of other researchers and how I have totally failed at making contacts and gathering what they deemed the real important information.

They weren't interested at the content of the other presentations at all... :-(

I think I should quit this job and my PhD and either just lay down to die or try to find some other thing to do.. but who would accept a depressed loser like me??

:-(

OK, here's the short version: my presentation went surprisingly well, but I got bad news about someone I know.

My presentation was perfect in every aspect. Somehow I even managed to avoid the usual mistakes when speaking English for the first time in months...

I even got complimented by my professor.. very rare, he usually is very strict and critical (though always fair!).

This obviously has ended my depression, even though I still feel kind of "drained"...

Unfortunately, my professor had bad news about some ex-colleague who had a horrible accident. :-(

I may have to visit him maybe...

Like all good things, the winter holidays are a passing thing... and it seems like knowing about it doesn't make it any less depressing. I actually had over 2 weeks of free time to spend on relaxing, gaming and working on my presentation. But of course, it went as follows:

1. I wasn't really relaxed, because I wanted to get my presentation done and I knew that it was really going to be very difficult
2. I couldn't enjoy gaming at all, because I kept thinking about the presentation thing
3. by the time I finally got myself working on the presentation, I was too stressed out to really focus on it :-(

And the thing is: I knew that it was going to happen like this, I couldn't do anything about it and I know that it will happen again next year.

Resolutions for this year:

1. find a new psychologist and/or psychiatrist
2. get some work done
3. workout more or give up working out completely
4. finally decide whether I really want to still go for a relationship at all :-/

So, merry christmas, happy new year and have a nice depression.

... is really short.

Seriously!