bluetar

helter skelter

2009-05-25T23:57:55Z

My life is confusing... one day I feel very depressed, the next day I'm happy again. It really depends on the circumstances and all kinds of other variables...

I have logged my mood and sleeping behaviour for over 4 weeks now, but I can't really find any patterns...

Oh, I had a 3rd meeting with this girl, which was very nice. :-) Unfortunately, the situation is very complicated, so for now we are just friends, which is a bit disappointing, but better than nothing, since I really like her!

I finally submitted this dreaded paper I wanted to finish last year already. If it gets accepted, I will end up in India during December, that would be exciting. Also, I would have about 6 publications already, quite a lot giving my slow progress...

I have lost contact to some online friends who I really miss... :-(

Made another song or two recently... the last one is really good I think.

good day

2009-04-12T01:56:10Z

Finally, things look not that bad:

I had the 2nd date with a nice girl today, I really enjoyed the time with her! :-)

I still am not sure what kind of impression I am making on her, but I really just enjoy any kind of interaction with her.

Also, I am slowly getting used to my job and the kind of skills it takes, aside from pure computer science knowledge etc....

I wonder if anyone ever reads these blogs...

maybe the FBI?

Maybe we just better call off the picnic.

2008-11-13T13:47:16Z

'Funny way to start a picnic'...

I feel so frustrated... nothing works as I want it to work, my project is obviously failing. And now I have to deal with some other part of the project that I have to "magically" get working until next work... the only guy who knows how to handle it is not really available and I am caught between him and my boss.

Safe to say: 'I just lost all my picnic spirit'.

Anyway, I met a few interesting people... *online* again... why do I never meet anyone half as nice as them in real life?? Why are the nice people all not available?? I guess I have to 'Stay in m' kitchen, have m' own picnic. . .In the bathroom'.

Sorry, I'm in that kind of mood where I'm too frustrated to be serious anymore... and where I think that some silly Bob Dylan song can be applied to everything...

...like the financial crisis and the cause of it, managers... and here's what I think we should do with them:

I think we oughta take some of these people
And put 'em on a boat, send 'em up to Bear Mountain . . .
For a picnic.

Life is music

2008-11-08T03:26:12Z

Ok, the phone call was difficult the second time, but I got through it and it was all good. :-)

Meanwhile, I've been a bit busier at work, trying to prepare some big presentation till the end of November and working on tutorials 2 days per week... so far, my students are kind of nice.

Oh, and I've turned into an independent music artist... check out my songs here:
http://www.last.fm/music/Not+A+Number/Jigsaw+Music

The first one is a very experimental guitar piece influenced by "drone" music. The rest is kind of synth pop / techno / electronic music. I really like the songs myself, I listen to them on my mp3 player walking around. It's a nice feeling having produced something like that myself that I can take with me. It's somehow far more satisfying than most other things I do...

doctors suck

2008-10-08T20:51:19Z

I had to make a phone call today that I didn't look forward to at all... and in the end, it was all futile anyway... I only learned that I have to spend another day and night worrying...

I seriously can't take life like this for much longer... and it seems like I'm not the only one since all the world is self-imploding anyway...

Financial crisis everywhere, idiots on TV wherever you look... I think Germans wouldn't recognize humor if it bit them in their ass (turns out: because they were too busy farting or laughing about a fart joke)

I meet nice people on IRC, but I also seem to lose track of nice people I met in the past... my memory is a huge leak and I can barely find the energy to get up or stay awake during the day...

Sometimes I find it really hard to believe that I'm still alive... my life has absolutely no meaning at all.. it's like I live outside of the world, they do their thing and I do mine... or I don't really do mine, because I'm depressed all the time...

Anyway, life sucked, keeps sucking and probably will suck.

And I'm so scared... I wish I just wouldn't care anymore. :-(

Update

2008-09-11T00:39:58Z

I'm still alive, yeah, you wouldn't believe it. But barely making any progress...

Just recently, I had some exciting stuff happen, also some dangerous stuff... so, I am still worried about that, but I can't talk about it.

And I finally made a little progress with my research project.

I also think that if not for those certain worries, I would do better now, so I hope that everything will be fine and that I can learn from my experiences...

In other news: Led Zeppelin rocks, but I only notice so every few months or so... lol

I'm still alive

2008-07-16T12:54:00Z

I'm still alive, trying new meds since around March... they are not working really well either though.

Still meeting new interesting people on IRC, but not in real life.

Still waiting for changes in one or two aspects of my life (you know what I mean...).

so depressed....

2008-01-26T16:16:56Z

I hate my life

Total Crash

2008-01-23T20:50:00Z

Ok, now I am really deeply depressed... my job is killing me I think...

I had a horrible meeting with my professor about the results from a trip to Paris last week (which was a bit depressing too, because it made me feel SOO LONELY!).

My professor and another colleague just bashed how I couldn't remember names of other researchers and how I have totally failed at making contacts and gathering what they deemed the real important information.

They weren't interested at the content of the other presentations at all... :-(

I think I should quit this job and my PhD and either just lay down to die or try to find some other thing to do.. but who would accept a depressed loser like me??

:-(

End of "End of Holiday Depression"

2008-01-08T17:54:23Z

OK, here's the short version: my presentation went surprisingly well, but I got bad news about someone I know.

My presentation was perfect in every aspect. Somehow I even managed to avoid the usual mistakes when speaking English for the first time in months...

I even got complimented by my professor.. very rare, he usually is very strict and critical (though always fair!).

This obviously has ended my depression, even though I still feel kind of "drained"...

Unfortunately, my professor had bad news about some ex-colleague who had a horrible accident. :-(

I may have to visit him maybe...

End of Holiday Depression

2008-01-06T00:47:15Z

Like all good things, the winter holidays are a passing thing... and it seems like knowing about it doesn't make it any less depressing. I actually had over 2 weeks of free time to spend on relaxing, gaming and working on my presentation. But of course, it went as follows:

I wasn't really relaxed, because I wanted to get my presentation done and I knew that it was really going to be very difficult
I couldn't enjoy gaming at all, because I kept thinking about the presentation thing
by the time I finally got myself working on the presentation, I was too stressed out to really focus on it :-(

And the thing is: I knew that it was going to happen like this, I couldn't do anything about it and I know that it will happen again next year.

Resolutions for this year:

find a new psychologist and/or psychiatrist
get some work done
workout more or give up working out completely
finally decide whether I really want to still go for a relationship at all :-/

So, merry christmas, happy new year and have a nice depression.

my first journal entry...

2007-12-28T17:28:48Z

... is really short.

Seriously!